three,

Our dates were always rather awkward, in one way or another. Being just friends seemed so much easier. He bought me stuff that he knew I secretly loved. I fixed my hair the way he liked, wore his favorite skirt. Both of us tried to put in as much effort as we could, cos we saw something actually special in the other, and we both wanted "us" to work out. Desperately.


But relationship is hard. It will be ten times harder without the real chemistry between the two. And that was exactly our case. Casual conversations were not enough. Seeing him did not give me chills. Holding hands didn't feel that romantic. I was not comfortable being around him. I did not long for his gaze, did not miss his smile, did not crave for his laughter. I did not feel like an addict. I just didn't.
But he was trying really hard to be the best boyfriend he could. He asked me about my day enthusiastically despite my cold tone and short answers. He bought me cute little things I love. He never forgot to wish me a good night sleep and a beautiful new day, not even once. He tried to be with me even though it took him forever to travel, cos our hostels were miles apart...

I was being totally unreasonable. But I couldn't help it.


On our first anniversary (for 1 month being together), he came to my hostel's door, and called me down.
I totally forgot about it.
It got worse.
I was not in the mood. So I did not listen to the phone. After getting tired of trying to reach me, he called a friend of mine. She came up with a very beautiful pot of flowers and a card which said the past month had been the happiest month of his life, said it was for me.
I felt nothing.

A few hours later, I texted him. I told him everything was nothing other than my desperate effort trying to make myself fall for him. But a month had passed and nothing was changed. I had no feelings for him. All I was thinking at that moment was "I don't care what to say. I just want to make it quick, make it work. And get it over with."
After pressing the Send button, I suddenly felt so damn insecured and empty. I just lost something I knew I would never be able to take back.
Never.


Yes, I agree. I was a total douchebag. I was.


I never had a chance to listen to his side of the story. All I remember was my endless chain of thoughts after I made that decision. But I forgot pretty quickly. Sometimes it just came back out of the blue, with a breeze of guilt and fear, of myself, about myself, then left me thinking about it all over again.
Of course things ended like that. We never spoke again.


The break up was bad and it dragged out tons of other problems. Sis Rach refused to talk to me for the longest time since that childish act of mine, which I had no right to oppose. People looked at me like all I tried to do that whole time was using him, which was totally irrelevant. The only person who actually knew why I did that, was sis Van. She understood my decision and tried to be by my side the whole time. Just like I once told Ngu, post break up is always hard, is equally hard, no matter it is the one who made the decision or the one who had to face it we're talking about.


It was such an experience, with the price I would never forget.
It took me such a long time to finally be able to look back and confess all those horrible things I did. For breaking a person's heart. And to pour it down into an 8-page-long-letter I later send to Daddy Thooh.