not just yet.

My sweetie is finally back from the longest period of burying himself in work, lessons, exams, endless days and nights of hardcore mugging. I could not be any happier.


But life looooves to play games, especially with us.
The hostel's network blocked our webcams - the only sources of update we were desperately looking forward to. I was dying to feel that chill again, that kinda thrill pumped in my veins whenever I saw his smiles, his silly face, his cutest frown...
My computer crashed. And Khoai's comp refused to accept the jacks of my headset, so I couldn't call him. I couldn't even hear his voice.
As usual, his internet were shut off at midnight. I was left alone in the dark again. Somehow I still couldn't find a way out just yet.


4 months left of my craving suddenly seems so much further, than it already is.


All I want to do now is screaming out so loud that there's nothing I want more than seeing him right in front of my eyes, even for just a while, that I am dying to have him in my arms, that I don't care about anything else, please just come back to me.
But I know, he's gonna book a flight right away and come back to me, once I blurp out those words.


But as I said, Life looooooves pulling tricks on us. And at this moment, we can't handle them just yet.


God, I hate this feeling.
If only I could stop missing him for just a while.

Four,

So I went back to my old normal life and stayed as a happily single gal.
I got closer to other girls in my life, like my two roomates who were Chinese, my wonderful MG batchmates and more. Somehow the life that was filled with girlish things and girlish thoughts was not that bad. The thought of having a significant other in my life, slowly faded, naturally.


Among all of us girls, it seemed that none actually realized or cared about the importance of having a boifriend. We carried on with our beautiful lives. We gathered around the dining table everyday, chit chated through dinner, never missed any birthday cake, surprised others once in a while, cooked our parties with just the pantry's old microwave oven alone, gossiped through the nights, laughed our asses off, and the world just felt whole. We did not need anyone else to feel special.


The next two years of mine passed by rather slowly.
The daily routine started to wear me out. School was not fun. Classmates loved to pick on scholars. Food could not get any worse. People started to drift apart.
We only hung on to each other in a really desperate way, cos we know so well that once we let go, we would free fall on our own, and could not find a way back. So all we could do, all we did do, was hold on to each other, dearly, desperately, miserably.


Everyone was so busy. It was so funny the way life sucked us all in. Busy. Busy. Busy. Everyone was such a busy bee. We started to let ourselves drift a little bit further from others, comforting ourselves with the thought we did that so their lives would be easier without worrying about ours. One by one. A little bit further, a little bit.
After all, that was the game we played. And what we had to pay was a bit too pricey.

Just another day.

When a girl cries, she needs nothing but a listening ear, or a shoulder to lean on.
No, let me take that back.
That's not what girls need.
That's just what I need.

I wish I could stop myself from crying too much like this.
Especially alone, and in the dark, like this.

Thanks mom, for reminding me again just at the very moment I started to forget,

I'm nothing to you.